Too much of a good thing...

To say that I lost my direction post-challenge would be an understatement. I sank into a mild depression—losing my focus and questioning my purpose. I couldn’t understand what had happened…I initially wouldn’t have thought that endeavoring to do something so good for me would have such a severe impact once I had finished.

There is definitely something to be said for a purpose driven life and I began to question exactly what that meant to me once I had completed my stringent 30 days of Bikram yoga. No matter whether I had been festooned with exhaustion or ready and rearing for my practice—I knew what had to be done. Every day I nourished and hydrated myself in preparation for the evening. Every morning I diligently recounted my experience through prose and illustration. Once that was over, I wasn’t sure what to do. I continued going to practice, but my life wasn’t the same. I deflated.

Even documentation of my shenanigans (of which there were plenty) seemed trivial and banal so I began to question whether I had achieved enlightenment or if I were just plain burned out. As I discovered last week, it was simply a matter of being exhausted beyond all comprehension. My yoga classes became arduous and though I came to recognize that not every day would hold a strong practice, each day my strength continued to wane until I thought perhaps the jig was up.

Being of firm resolve and ridiculous perseverance, I would not relent and therefore continued my daily routine and added some socializing into the mix. No longer was I serene and yogi but rather exhausted, maladjusted and irritated by the most minor of trivialities. Something had to give… so on Wednesday of last week I took a much needed mental health day in an effort to relax. I hoped to cease lambasting myself for not being stringent and fettered with activity every waking moment. Instead, I wanted to allow myself to enjoy the decompressing that ensued. To be honest, at first I had grandiose illusions of popping over to a neighborhood French bakery, cleaning the house, going to the market and running but my body had other plans in store. After 20 minutes of reading after breakfast, I drifted gently off to sleep for four glorious hours.

I slowly acquiesced to my body’s needs and realized what my new purpose must be: to strive for balance. I understand that I can’t always be all things to all people and that at some point after stuffing my social calendar to the gills I’m going to burst. Yes, I understand this clearly. But what I need to be able to do is accept and know that it’s okay to take some time for myself as well—to rest, to rejuvenate. Sometimes it would seem that my purpose would be to just simply to be.